The hand-written letter you never wanted

Years ago I received a hand written letter from a co-worker.

Our time working together had ended, and she felt compelled to let me know that I was negative and needed to work on it.

I honestly think she just wrote it and handed it to me in person, telling me to read it later? Which is really funny to me today. I think I might bring that back.

Anyhow, getting the letter perplexed me. For one, I was so heavily enmeshed in negativity that I didn’t see it for what it was. I had some acquaintances that thought it was funny and joined me so it seemed very normal to me.

I was also confused because I didn’t know her very well, and it seemed very self righteous. Particularly given that she had a volatile edge to her, too: “How is my thing an issue, and yours isn’t?”

Years later, I came to realize that I was really negative and did need to work on it. Imagine that! 🤣 And so, as I had a tendency to do back then I made the choice to take all the blame for that letter. I allowed myself to believe that this person was smarter and more “right” than me in some way — infallible and all knowing. And I refused to allow myself to see the boundaries that were crossed, or the hypocrisy, particularly given the negativity (borderline vitriol) I’d witnessed her partake in over the years.

My owning everything for everyone was a survival tactic: I was so afraid of people not loving me as a kid, I would take on the full weight of every exchange. Which isn’t healthy or warranted. Or true. So I’ve been unlearning it for a long time.

Recently, I received a new letter from her. This letter was in the dredges of my social media account so I’ve only just read it, 6 months after she sent it. And it was written in response to me, getting heated at her in her inbox, for sending me a video making fun of unjabbed people.

I fully admit now that I overreacted. The video triggered the shit out of me — I felt very defensive and protective of myself at the time, given the horrendous treatment anyone who spoke out about the human rights violations in the world were receiving. So I didn’t take it well. I wish I hadn’t felt so defensive and reacted in such a strong way. But it’s what happened at the time. I reacted from fear.

My recent read of her letter though, comes from a different place than the first letter I received from her when we worked together. I have the ability to discern between what is mine and what is not mine now. Even though I overreact sometimes, I remain a human being who does an immense amount of inner work. I have the courage to look beyond my defensive reactions and reflect on the truth of an experience. I am a warrior at this work.

So to read this letter was a trip. She may have made the assumption that I was the same person, willing to take on the onus for everything. Or that I am solely the sum of my temporarily triggered response from 6 months ago. Regardless, I watched the words she sent me on the screen transform from kindness and almost apologetic for having sent the video, to patronizing and belittling — a full throttle attempt to convince me I should feel an inch tall. And I felt the desperation she felt, to not feel badly — she wanted me to take it all.

At least I thought I felt it. How the fuck do I know what she felt?

This is really just a public service message, to remind you that it’s up to you to discern whether you want to take on what someone else wants you to take on or not.

You can learn something about yourself and your unhealed parts from a volatile emotional exchange with someone, without going into full shame mode, and feeling like you simply must feel like a piece of shit for being human.

For example, I can see this experience as an opportunity to witness how traumatized I felt about speaking out online, and how emotionally fragile I was at the time, not knowing who was going to turn on me next. I can also see bits of my own self righteousness, my own desire to deflect everything that feels uncomfortable onto others in her response to me (she did not take kindly to her love and light-ing being disrupted!)

Most importantly, I can see this experience as an opportunity to remember that we are all fallible, cuz we’re human. Including the woman who sent me this letter.

So ya fumbled around like a mild lunatic in your fear-based programming. Who hasn’t? Well, maybe the light and lovers who proclaim they only live in the light (OK fine — one final barb about the letter — but that’s it! I swear!)

But do you want to take on the shame that someone wants you to feel and own? Or could you just look at all of your experiences as just that — experiences — and not take them so seriously anymore? Kinda just laugh at the silliness of human dynamics?

There comes a point in life where you have to change your relationship to your experiences.

Making the choice to become more emotionally detached from my interactions, and embody a more observatory stance has been really powerful.

They don’t have to be one big huge deflection, and they don’t have to be one great big steaming pile of shame and self blame, either.

It’s our choice.

Andrea is an astrologer & writer who shares insights on human dynamics. If you like what you read, support her work by sharing it.