I’ve been thinking a lot, about chaos.
How chaos can come in a like a tornado, uprooting every aspect and corner of our lives. All in the name of a change we need to make, even though we may not have realized we needed to make it.
I’m one for seeing what’s going on behind the scenes. I consider and ponder and reflect on things — much to the discomfort of those who know me personally (“maybe you’re over thinking it?”) — in order to extract some sort of learning, teaching — the honorable Truth with a capital T.
But these times — they are so confusing. Everything is nebulous. What is true? What isn’t? What is right? What is wrong? The pursuit of understanding how to decipher, how to wade through the chaos — it forces me inward. It’s the only place I know that I can trust. The further I seek beyond this inner place for the answer, the more I know that in doing so — in putting all my eggs in someone else’s basket, some systems basket, someone else’s opinion or take on how life needs to be- the further I take myself away from me.
And I need me. I need to be here for myself so I can be there for others.
Whenever I begin to feel lost in the messes of information…well, I know it! I begin to feel depressed. Angry. Despondent. I’m in a pursuit of power because I feel disempowered by all the fear. And worst of all? Tiny flickers of apathy. What is the point? radiates through my psyche.
I know how dangerous this state is because I examine it. I know what can happen when I deny its existence within me. What it’s capable of. What is not witnessed, addressed, or named grows and takes over. So I’m not willing to deny that it’s actually happening, and I implore you to do the same — to look at and feel what comes up within you. Don’t play the denial game.
Because this is how it got so bad, in the world and within ourselves — we denied it was getting bad.
I work to turn over the rock on these kinds of states of mind when I’ve been pummeled by the fear and anger over everything that is being disclosed. I let myself SEE that it’s occurring. I don’t turn away from it, or myself. And then I tell my trusted friend (C — I see you) or my love (K — you are Love) — and together, we name it. Because they know that I am another them, and they are another me. What I refuse to feel affects them. What they refuse to feel affects me. And denial…well, that is what the darkness feeds off.
We need the light of naming something, so we can see what’s actually happening in the dark.
I’m growing weary of pointing at everything and saying it’s fucked. Or wrong. Or bad. It’s the process of Us, witnessing the chaos, which is the impetus for us to create something new. So we can Re-structure. Re-format. Do this being human thing differently.
Because we’ve been lost for centuries. We’ve been part of a game we didn’t know we were part of. We’ve been violated. And lied to. And corrupted by systems that take great joy in us learning how to so intricately and thoroughly sink our own ships.
I know when I’m letting too much water in. It’s a very humbling experience, to notice when there’s a hole in my boat. And to witness how I’ve been sinking my own ship for years because of fear and lack of information? That doesn’t feel good.
But I’m learning to remember that when I sense the water rising up, someone, something — some energy or entity — is feeding off of me giving up, and letting it happen.
And that feeling? Of hopelessness? That’s a sign that I need to go inward and remember that I’m here for a reason. I’m not here for nothing. I’m here to utilize this chaos — and allow myself to feel how I feel about it — to create a new way of living, a new way of thinking, a new way of honoring human life. And that includes mine AND Yours. Both of us.